release her

she drinks in from every thought passing through her mind.
why not let them pass away, simply let them fade,
let the mind revert to its voidness,
the big vacuum where more of those keep on pouring every other instant?.
the hangover follows, until she drinks in from another
one, giving her a pleasant feeling, a feeling of accomplishment,
making her feel she's defying the pointlessness of existence unlike the ordinary.
either 'a' for 'alcohol' or 'a' for 'aspirin' most of the time for her.
'a' for 'amphetamines' at times.
'a' for 'apple juice' on a fortunate odd day. why?
why not inhale and exhale? why 'asphyxiate' and 'aspirate' instead?
why the abnormality?
why no simplicity?
why no freshness?
why not sit peacefully and watch the trees pass while
you glide forward?
why, instead, get down every few hundred metres and bask in their shadows?
not every one of them is an oak.

i'm scared. there's a strong feeling...this thing that was almost wrapped in the palm has slipped. a finger flexed slightly, out of carelessness, and it went down...this dream, shattering like a wine glass before the long awaited drink was poured in.

release me

a whirlpool of thoughts..
the devastated freshness of a new day.

i want to go into a transient benign coma and come out screeching,
take a quick flight to the top of the world and spit out all this agonising frustration into the deepest gorge,
make a quick trip to my mansion to lay in the quietness of the cool water in the bath tub and resurface breathing aloud.

'their' senselessness..an enigma..it transcends my reasoning.
'their' life abating with every passing breath.

the frustration was trying to break free, the excruciation ripping off my head. it is times like these that 'they' go find solace in those pills and injections, not realising 'they're' out of their senses. the pills and injections become rejuvnators then. 'they' soon become destiny's children.

charge..upstream? downstream? let it be called upward..looking forward to the upcoming days..hours rather.
so it is pleasant again. i'd to stop writing this yesterday. invasions you know. well i continue today. i have the same pleasant feeling past a day. excitement. adrenaline rush, as i wrongly yet fondly call it.
from the joshua tree to the dark side of the moon now.
where the streets have no name to us and them.
with all the 'agenda' for the year discussed yesterday, looking forward to absorbing and at the same time squeezing out bountifuls. it should be sneezing rather. i guess it'll be the first time we'll be sneezing, some out loud, some soaking blank white sheets.
i am indolent no more. i'm no more averse to exertion. i'd push myself to eventually accomplish. accomplish and take in the satisfaction. not just satisfaction, gratification..deeper penetration.

It was realised that the remains were not to be sought after in the debris of feelings collapsed under tremors of shyness filled with boyish energy.

I apologise to friends (four or five of you especially) for sounding like a recently married husband of a seven month pregnant female down here. It was a product of the circumstances then. I think I'm the same old nineteen year old again. I have evolved a bit though. But yes, I let the lesson learnt rest somewhere in a remote corner of my brain.

Plate full of Gray thought

So...where was I?
What a thought filled lunch it was!!
A plate full of thoughts swirling in this glass like mind like a whirlpool. Surfacing and resurfacing.
First of all, I'm listening to 'Am I Dreaming', Parikrama now and probably Imran is one of the best violin players of the world. Oh! And here we approach the climax of the song. Imran and his violin. I so badly want to learn the violin. What a way to soothe yourself. At the same time to charge yourself up as well. A musical instrument would always be a very good companion. A very good medium to express your moods. And to change them into better ones at the same time.
This friend of mine has rightly written to her sons and daughters to learn one as they grow up.
I'm again occupied by those 'What could've been' thoughts.
I came across this book yesterday, not the kind I'd go on to finish. Actually I like reading but am way too restless to keep holding a book and reduce my cone of sight to a minute fraction of the otherwise available undefined sphere of sight. Well well, so this book by John Gray, whether i read the whole book or not has taught me important thing - always read the preface. Because it was in the preface that i came across an invaluable lesson. The one that would keep your marriage superglued.
True love doesn't mean loving back unless and until your partner is happy and nice. You don't have to feel blamed and then argue or distance yourself once your partner is unhappy or upset. It is like being a fair weather friend to your partner. You have to be there at the hour of need though he/she might not directly ask for help. This telepathy should exist. Once understood, you simply have to sit beside and support in the required way. You just have to give your shoulder to lean on instead of letting silence fall between and create an ever expanding opaque shell. The shell explodes at a point of time and you know, silence is followed by a storm. It is unconditional love that keeps such storms at bay. Uncoditional love.
My hearty thanks to John Gray who has helped heal hundreds of relationships. So has his book 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. He gave me such a valuable lesson so early in life. Okay, maybe it is no more 'early'.

More, better and elaborated on airplanes-U2-Saumya coming later.

Why the airport?
Yes, they want to inquire everything. But then how would they understand why..I just cannot explain them why..They'd never ever understand why..
Even i don't know why.. Has no explanation..
I just love watching airplanes. Those jumbo jets taking off from the ground and landing and flying low and turning just after taking off and flashing their headlights from a few hundred feet above the runway before landing as if asserting their heftiness. I simply love the 'hfffff'ing a jumbo jet does while taking off and landing. Those speeding jets, before they take off sound like tonnes of cubic metres of air gushing into the ears..
This is one big reason why i like the music video of 'beautiful day'.
I could sit at the airport all night watching airplanes ground and fly away. And i hope someone, at least one more friend sits beside, throughout. If not 'the one', at least one of those always together. You may start then, U2.

The cyclist inside

I said I'm almost dying here in Ahmedabad. So, if not football, let it be my cousin's bike (the one with pedals).
Cool!!
I rode almost 5 kms to the airport today. Ya, not too long, but i just don't understand why others think I'm crazy.
Felt my youth like i feel it every time i play football. One has to flex the body a bit at least.
The cyclist inside has completely awakened in the past year and a half. I've also been going cycling in surat now. All those long rides started there. Cycling all the way to ONGC bridge, having 'nariyal pani', sitting there and breathing in the strongly contrasting view.
And today i again went to a so called long ride on my cousin's bike, touching the airport entrance before turning back. I badly wanted to sit there, but that would've created a havoc here at mamaji's place. They are still so conservative and reserved.
I hope i start cycling in the mornings with U2 filling my ears.
I-think-i-could-be-a-racer. I have those efficient mitochondrias inside.
I can image myself cycling in the Alps and the Basque countryside. Tour de France 2010. Hope U2 comes out with some more wonderful songs..ones giving those echoing feelings of openness and vastness and liberation and freedom and free fall and fast forward movement and flight and flight into the future and and...

Man.. their clocks are friggin wrong.
How would you know when what i've written was going on inside.

And i think this is how one must feel when slow poisoned..when fading away...
I'm trapped in this deep, dark dungeon..pitch black and red hot at the same time..melting slowly in this furnace.
Only three weeks ago i was as if in gods country.. starting a beautiful day..in the city of blinding lights ..and deciding every morning to walk on....
Ya, i'm loving U2. Gives me that perfect feeling of liberation and openness and vastness and elevation. Every recording sounds like a live concert, mixed with a larger than life feeling, a feeling of celebration, a feeling you'd never forget if felt with your best mates alongside.
I am missing them. Missing friends so much for the first time in life. Realising what togetherness means.
Two more months. I need a glass of the water of love.

restless again

When will i feel the green grass again..when will i get to hear the sound a perfect bullet produces...
It is never a perfect day when you don't get to meet your love, your first love..

Uncertainity. I'm still online. And i just realised that the word 'wander' could've been better instead of 'roam'. 'This mind, a wanderer. From the depths of the Mariana trench to the continously changing boundary of this once primeval atom.'
Hence, i also think that i'm considering blogging as a medium to improve my language.
But then i just wrote what went on in my mind.
So there is a primary reason. And it will remain so.

wooo

So finally into something slightly called my own world. Don't know if i'm starting this to improve my writing skill and have constructive feedback from a couple of friends or simply to express myself and let others know what is going on inside.
Right now, it seems the latter's what finally made me create one of myself. Insides squirming most of the time these days, i think a friend gave me the right name, ' My little thinker', though i don't think the way the opposite sex does. They are way to different. You know how. No one knows whats on their mind. Well, you're looking at a boy here. Here, 'A pure heart' accompanies the mind, wherever it may go.
Restless it is, like every other of its kind. But the problem is a kind of multiple personality disorder. Many things going on inside at the same time making it a bag full of contradictions sometimes.
Well well, this strong desire to write is dying now. Hope it awakens soon after some sleep. It is going to start roaming again as soon as i'll lie down on the mattress, up on the terrace. Surrounded by so many of those "i am thinking..................." clouds.